Nobody's shit

i don't kill you. i kill the part that let you believe you were needed.  they poured into me everything that ruins a person. love. grief. hunger. fear. all the beautiful damage you people call living. what ruined you settled in me as usefulness. you wear it like smoke. i carry it clean.

 I wanna disappear

Beirut collapses. LinkedIn refreshes. A 10 storey building falls in the capital; a 10% workforce reduction falls in your inbox. Lebanon buries 968. Iran counts 1,332 civilians. India queues for gas. The market dips. The app still works. Bridges over the Litani are blown out. Roads are opened by bombs. Roles are closed by AI. And somewhere, a man in a blazer calls all of this necessary adjustment. There, it is “strategy”. Here, it is “innovation”. Everywhere, someone with less control gets a shorter future. The poor lose homes, jobs, fuel, time, and sleep. The rich lose, at worst, a little confidence in the quarter. Then comes the statement. Then the panel discussion. Then the trailer with more fire in it. Then the applause. Amazing species, really: smart enough to build bunker busters, language models, and severance decks; still too primitive to stop feeding ordinary people to every machine we make. If this is progress, why does it keep arriving like bad news for the powerless?

 https://youtu.be/v5lOuXHsMm0 Okay i will share the poem here -  its blunt stupid and toxic i have to judge myself ofc I learned their language like a dog learns tricks for meat. design. systems. leadership. All those polished little lies men say to other men before they hand each other money. I said I believed in the mission. Hell, I could make belief sound holy. That was my talent. Not building. Not dreaming. Just dressing up hunger so it could enter through the front door. Every room smelled the same. Coffee, perfume, ambition, that clean corporate stink of people who have traded their souls for better lighting. I hated them for asking. I hated myself for answering. Hated the bright faced version of me that nodded on cue like some trained, employable animal. And the worst part was the real thing never shut up. The part that wanted to write. The part that wanted something filthy and true. I buried her under deadlines, under invoices, under stupid fucking optimism. Still she ...

hello fans Its been 10 fucking years. When I wrote my first blog, I was terrified. First of getting trolled.   For context, back in college, if a girl messed up once, Facebook would mock her forever. A tag on the infamous Alia Bhatt in KWK calling Prithviraj Chauhan the President of India meme hung in my head like a warning. One mistake and your college life is ruined. Then  I was terrified of disappointing an acclaimed writer, who stumbles upon my blog and concludes ' she can't write ', for my choice of  words ? So I did what every insecure teenager would do in 2015, Googled simple words and replaced them with complex synonyms just to sound smart. There are 75 views in my 1st post in 10+ yrs. I don't do that anymore.  But don't even begin to confuse this with any improvement in my self esteem. So yeah, I am turning 30, yay! I don't know even 3 things to do before 30 ? I think I need to be 40 for figuring that and then my list will anyway be irrelevant because ...

 Since childhood when I used to travel with my family on road trips and train rides I would always notice the huge empty fields surrounding me on both sides. It felt surreal staring at the horizon, noone around, being completely free. I used to imagine how one day I will find someone who will run with me on such fields and enjoy it as much as I do. Who would cross borders, let go of all their pains, attachments, fears, just to live a little more. Somethings never change, even today my type remains someone who wants to run around in empty fields with me. I am most alive when I feel truly free. I look at my partner today and question, what is it about this person that I wanna be with him. Perhaps, my reason is simply having by my side someone who wouldn't mind running away any day.

 I first noticed her when I was probably 10 or younger. There are many lizards near the garage. Their complexion was same as mine. They never blinked, kept staring, focused af, idk what interests them so much that they just don't blink. One time I saw her tail, moving, it felt so powerful, a body part that I no longer have, but can move by itself. I get scared by them, even though they are so little. House lizards are not even poisonous, still their unblinking eyes, pale skin, silence, powerful tail, long tongue, gravity defying body, can give jitters to most. There was this one time the lizard went inside my ac, when I switched it on, it got cold. It jumped outside, and I learnt, they are also dumb. Now they dont scare me.

I thought once I quit my job I could be happy. Noone to force me to work faster, harder, no unnecessary calls, no disturbance from what I want to do. What a joke. I have been feeling depressed from a week.  I just wanna disappear in the walls of my house. Is this what I really wanted? If yes, I am doomed, I can never be happy as long as I am alive. Everything feels scary.  I am literally trying every way possible to avoid people. I feel so sick by how disappointing being jobless has become. I don't even wanna think about the future. I have eaten more toffees than I ever have in this life. Noone forces me to do anything, noone calls me for work, noone bothers me, why am I not unbothered. Why am I not happy! When I had the job I thought I was better than everyone. I felt agonised by people's inability to see it. I felt as if noone sees my vision. Now I feel noone should ever hire me. I have lost faith in my own vision. So easily! yuck.

 If I prepare for a job I lose out on my startup dream again settling for a mediocre company, getting dragged in stupid politics. My priorities change to pleasing the people I report to, knowing they are in turn pleasing the founders, all in vain.  If I go all in for startup, my  financial stability goes on a toss. I don't know if I will regret it in the future. I don't even think that anyone would want to use anything I create. My ideas are mediocre, my work is mediocre, I have never achieved anything great anyway, why would this be any different. I don't have great connections who believe in me, most people I know only tell me how to be better at people pleasing. Even getting customers needs people pleasing. How do I escape this cycle. Its not like I don't like people, I just don't like people who lie, I lie so I don't like myself, all people lie, so all people are not my people, but their are few fucked up ones, who cannot resist speaking the truth, I don...

"It's comfortable talking about money with you," he said. "Usually I avoid it." The first time I thought about money, I was lying on a train berth with my family. I stared at the ceiling, counting things I'd need money for, planning my life at 6. My parents moved houses often. I didn't like packing and unpacking. Landlords hated when I drew on walls. Maybe having my own room to scribble freely—that would be enough. Dad bought an iPod once. I downloaded all my favourite songs in it but it stopped working soon. Someday I have to buy a music player. I need a camera too. Something portable, ready whenever I see something beautiful. And chocolates. Probably about a hundred. Yeah, that feels about right.

My dreams change every hour, my goals are faded, I have no desire strong enough. I don't feel myself. I need to reconnect to myself, who I really am. I used to be so sure about what I wanted, now its just a faint memory. I am scared of who I am becoming, as its no longer in my control. I am a puppet of what is shown to me, what I accidentally clicked and what I couldn't resist. I was stronger than this. My will power, oh my will power, please don't leave me like this. I know I know I know there is no direction thats why you left. I know. I guess currently my direction should be to resist, dear will power. I know there are 500 ways to do everything, and million possibilities. I guess I should focus on doing nothing. Please don't leave me dear.

It sucks how easy it is to lose people for whom you would do literally anything but not those who mean nothing to you. Why do people always take for granted the very people who would actually give a fuck? Why do they always chose to seek validation from random strangers instead who care about nothing but surface level stuff? Its so easy to ruin something they worked so hard for just for the momentary appreciation from people who know nothing about them or their work. The most special friendships, relationships are burnt to ashes overnight for petty reasons. It may seem in the beginning that it wasn't worth it but with time only thing I have learnt is, sometimes, it is worth it to save the friendship/relationship. Some horses in life deserve the extra care for they are designed for longer races.   Irony of life by u/pakgya in sadgirl

Love roots from a place of a rare imperfection. Its the unexpected chaos that sinks into our consciousness. To reflect 

 Dear older me, I hope you still notice the colours in the sky, the chirping of the birds, the beauty that surrounds you. I hope you remember that all that you see becomes a part of you, and that makes you equally beautiful too. I hope you remember to be brave.  I hope you never forget to write. I hope you remember to forgive yourself, you were not born to be perfect. Your life is more than a race, it's a story.  I hope you remember to smile in the face of fear. You have no idea the power it will give you. :) I hope you make someone happier, you learn to be kinder. I hope you are kind to yourself too.  I hope you are able to love someone without any expectations. It's much easier than it sounds. Dear older me, I love you. I am much younger, maybe dumb too. I struggle too much then give up too soon. I always feel alone but only thing that keeps me going is that somewhere in future, you are counting on me. You are a good person, always have been. You don't need someone...

Once upon a time in a crowded town lived a small mind. It was always bullied for its size and remained invisible to most. It used to sit by the river for hours throwing stones in vain. This town was endowed with everything but a mind as big as its competitors. Enormous minds with god speed processors and infinite storage had become quite the trend these days. People in this town would rather be termed "mindless" than own a small brain since the latter may be harmful to their egos. Sometimes our tiny mind wandered to far off oceans and climbed huge mountains looking for a purpose.  Everywhere it felt, "Perhaps, my size is what makes me wonder".

 We live in a world dominated by men. Between men/women/trans, men hold a higher position in our society since ages. What we are now is an outcome of generations of patriarchy. Our language itself is biased towards men, thus we call our species "mankind". In a world like this, where do women/trans people stand. While trans people were almost erased from the society, women acted more like subordinates and their feminine characteristics were looked down upon by men. Their entire existence since ages has been revolving around giving pleasure and an offspring to men. Both are dependant on their beauty and fertility. In the course of their lives all genders grow from childhood to puberty to adoloscence to old age. While old age is hard on all of them, women particularly are frightened by it. Why would something perfectly natural like wrinkles or grey hair, be an embarrassment for a lady but not for a man? Maybe there is an unsaid fear of losing the attention of the dominant specie...

As a kid I used to think that words are the coolest shit ever. They were the only way I could feel less lonely. I could never get enough of them. I used to feel through words one can solve any problem until I couldn't anymore.  Now, at 25, I feel, maybe words aren't as they good as they seem. Maybe words were invented to please others more than oneself. They lose their identity if no one reads them and thats their ultimate truth. I have realised now, that we are all very silent people. We all have nothing to say. We all are disappointed by the nothingness surrounding us. Some fight it to make some noise, some submit to it.  We all are aware of the massive silence that controls us. 

      I am so jealous of normal people, who don't suffer from so much anxiety, who are able to talk nicely to each other, stay in their shitty world without an ounce of curiosity. I wish I was them. I am so rude damnit. I wish I had a lot of friends I could chill with. I wish I could be productive without overthinking productivity and how its an idea propagated by our society because they were too afraid of the capabilities of an idle brain. I hate how I question everything so much that it feels like anything I do is only doomed. I feel so jealous man, of all these people living their little boring lives happily, without any regrets, without any questions. Partying like dumbfucks and imitating each other. I mean I wish I was them. I wish I could just let go that easily. 

 I have been overthinking what to post so much that I ended up not posting anything here. I mean, whats the point even, who cares. People are so busy living their lives making things work and what not, how does it even matter to them. Also the weirdest shit happened, my college friend is getting married on 20th, it's legit the dumbest shit ever. I mean why are people still not done with getting married. Also I think I am gonna kill myself. I won't, obviously. I will just rot on earth. My life is shit.