yuck

-

I thought once I quit my job I could be happy. Noone to force me to work faster, harder, no unnecessary calls, no disturbance from what I want to do.

What a joke.

I have been feeling depressed from a week. 

I just wanna disappear in the walls of my house. Is this what I really wanted?

If yes, I am doomed, I can never be happy as long as I am alive.

Everything feels scary. 

I am literally trying every way possible to avoid people.

I feel so sick by how disappointing being jobless has become.

I don't even wanna think about the future.

I have eaten more toffees than I ever have in this life.

Noone forces me to do anything, noone calls me for work, noone bothers me, why am I not unbothered.

Why am I not happy!

When I had the job I thought I was better than everyone. I felt agonised by people's inability to see it.

I felt as if noone sees my vision.

Now I feel noone should ever hire me.

I have lost faith in my own vision.

So easily!

yuck.




Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

My journey with a mental health disorder

-
When I was 5, I used to spend hours focusing at the window pane talking to myself, calling myself special, my mother used to tell me that mad people do that. I was always a notorious kid and knew no limits, not much has changed since childhood for I grew up thinking of this as my superpower. I was brought up in a middle class family by very ambitious parents. From childhood taking care of myself felt very foreign to me, and I always chose to challenge myself instead. Everything was going fine apart from the anxiety attacks, which became frequent during my teenage years. By then, I went through a series of inhumane events and I learnt that not everyone needs a reason to hurt someone. Day by day, I turned myself more and more into a recluse. I never had a lot of friends because I feared getting rejected by them for not being good enough. My mental disorder gained its gravity by my late teenage. I was always a sharp student, but having brought up in an environment of insane competition...
Read more

I Feel Influenced

-
My dreams change every hour, my goals are faded, I have no desire strong enough. I don't feel myself. I need to reconnect to myself, who I really am. I used to be so sure about what I wanted, now its just a faint memory. I am scared of who I am becoming, as its no longer in my control. I am a puppet of what is shown to me, what I accidentally clicked and what I couldn't resist. I was stronger than this. My will power, oh my will power, please don't leave me like this. I know I know I know there is no direction thats why you left. I know. I guess currently my direction should be to resist, dear will power. I know there are 500 ways to do everything, and million possibilities. I guess I should focus on doing nothing. Please don't leave me dear.
Read more

Letter to older me

-
 Dear older me, I hope you still notice the colours in the sky, the chirping of the birds, the beauty that surrounds you. I hope you remember that all that you see becomes a part of you, and that makes you equally beautiful too. I hope you remember to be brave.  I hope you never forget to write. I hope you remember to forgive yourself, you were not born to be perfect. Your life is more than a race, it's a story.  I hope you remember to smile in the face of fear. You have no idea the power it will give you. :) I hope you make someone happier, you learn to be kinder. I hope you are kind to yourself too.  I hope you are able to love someone without any expectations. It's much easier than it sounds. Dear older me, I love you. I am much younger, maybe dumb too. I struggle too much then give up too soon. I always feel alone but only thing that keeps me going is that somewhere in future, you are counting on me. You are a good person, always have been. You don't need someone...
Read more