Nobody's shit

 I wanna disappear

Beirut collapses. LinkedIn refreshes. A 10 storey building falls in the capital; a 10% workforce reduction falls in your inbox. Lebanon buries 968. Iran counts 1,332 civilians. India queues for gas. The market dips. The app still works. Bridges over the Litani are blown out. Roads are opened by bombs. Roles are closed by AI. And somewhere, a man in a blazer calls all of this necessary adjustment. There, it is “strategy”. Here, it is “innovation”. Everywhere, someone with less control gets a shorter future. The poor lose homes, jobs, fuel, time, and sleep. The rich lose, at worst, a little confidence in the quarter. Then comes the statement. Then the panel discussion. Then the trailer with more fire in it. Then the applause. Amazing species, really: smart enough to build bunker busters, language models, and severance decks; still too primitive to stop feeding ordinary people to every machine we make. If this is progress, why does it keep arriving like bad news for the powerless?

 https://youtu.be/v5lOuXHsMm0 Okay i will share the poem here -  its blunt stupid and toxic i have to judge myself ofc I learned their language like a dog learns tricks for meat. design. systems. leadership. All those polished little lies men say to other men before they hand each other money. I said I believed in the mission. Hell, I could make belief sound holy. That was my talent. Not building. Not dreaming. Just dressing up hunger so it could enter through the front door. Every room smelled the same. Coffee, perfume, ambition, that clean corporate stink of people who have traded their souls for better lighting. I hated them for asking. I hated myself for answering. Hated the bright faced version of me that nodded on cue like some trained, employable animal. And the worst part was the real thing never shut up. The part that wanted to write. The part that wanted something filthy and true. I buried her under deadlines, under invoices, under stupid fucking optimism. Still she ...

hello fans Its been 10 fucking years. When I wrote my first blog, I was terrified. First of getting trolled.   For context, back in college, if a girl messed up once, Facebook would mock her forever. A tag on the infamous Alia Bhatt in KWK calling Prithviraj Chauhan the President of India meme hung in my head like a warning. One mistake and your college life is ruined. Then  I was terrified of disappointing an acclaimed writer, who stumbles upon my blog and concludes ' she can't write ', for my choice of  words ? So I did what every insecure teenager would do in 2015, Googled simple words and replaced them with complex synonyms just to sound smart. There are 75 views in my 1st post in 10+ yrs. I don't do that anymore.  But don't even begin to confuse this with any improvement in my self esteem. So yeah, I am turning 30, yay! I don't know even 3 things to do before 30 ? I think I need to be 40 for figuring that and then my list will anyway be irrelevant because ...

 Since childhood when I used to travel with my family on road trips and train rides I would always notice the huge empty fields surrounding me on both sides. It felt surreal staring at the horizon, noone around, being completely free. I used to imagine how one day I will find someone who will run with me on such fields and enjoy it as much as I do. Who would cross borders, let go of all their pains, attachments, fears, just to live a little more. Somethings never change, even today my type remains someone who wants to run around in empty fields with me. I am most alive when I feel truly free. I look at my partner today and question, what is it about this person that I wanna be with him. Perhaps, my reason is simply having by my side someone who wouldn't mind running away any day.

 I first noticed her when I was probably 10 or younger. There are many lizards near the garage. Their complexion was same as mine. They never blinked, kept staring, focused af, idk what interests them so much that they just don't blink. One time I saw her tail, moving, it felt so powerful, a body part that I no longer have, but can move by itself. I get scared by them, even though they are so little. House lizards are not even poisonous, still their unblinking eyes, pale skin, silence, powerful tail, long tongue, gravity defying body, can give jitters to most. There was this one time the lizard went inside my ac, when I switched it on, it got cold. It jumped outside, and I learnt, they are also dumb. Now they dont scare me.