Turning so old, so fucking old

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hello fans

Its been 10 fucking years.



When I wrote my first blog, I was terrified. First of getting trolled. 

For context, back in college, if a girl messed up once, Facebook would mock her forever. A tag on the infamous Alia Bhatt in KWK calling Prithviraj Chauhan the President of India meme hung in my head like a warning. One mistake and your college life is ruined.

Then  I was terrified of disappointing an acclaimed writer, who stumbles upon my blog and concludes 'she can't write', for my choice of words? So I did what every insecure teenager would do in 2015, Googled simple words and replaced them with complex synonyms just to sound smart.

There are 75 views in my 1st post in 10+ yrs.

I don't do that anymore. 

But don't even begin to confuse this with any improvement in my self esteem.

So yeah, I am turning 30, yay!

I don't know even 3 things to do before 30? I think I need to be 40 for figuring that and then my list will anyway be irrelevant because of the generation gap.

I started writing for fun in 7th grade and I was scared even then. Scared of being trolled. Scared of being exposed. Scared my English would betray me.

All my 20s I have kept punishing myself, for doing everything that makes me even borderline uncool.

I kept romanticising getting into great college, getting a great job, getting married, quitting that job, getting therapy, travelling, and then finally I would become a writer like Chetan Bhagat did.

At 12, it sounded like a plan, at 22 it became a confession, at 29 I say it in my head and feel embarrassed.

It's cute how long someone can keep postponing the one thing that actually makes them feel alive.

As I am transitioning from older to oldest in the room, I have come to the realisation that life is designed to forcibly push you ahead then force you to fall behind.

I have spent my entire 20s trying to impress the invisible readers of this blog.

Thus, I delayed posting to judge my writing style, ending up not sharing most of my thoughts. 

The older you get, the less your fears look dramatic and the more they look habitual. Like brushing your teeth. Like checking your phone. Like rehearsing your own humiliation before anyone else can.

You keep chasing milestones like they're antidotes. College. Job. Marriage. Therapy. Travel. Glow-up. Side hustle. Passive income. etc.
And disappointment still shows up, on time, every single day.

So here I am. Older. Still scared. Still annoyed by myself. Still wanting validation. Still wanting to be seen.

And still writing. So when disappointment shows up, at least I can say 'Honestly, I had fun'.

Comments

  1. TheBrownKnight24 February 2026 at 10:03

    Pakgya...This feels like one of those rare pieces that isn’t trying to sound brave, it just quietly is.

    You didn’t write about conquering fear. You wrote about living with it so long that it became ordinary. That kind of honesty is harder than any glow up milestone list people keep chasing.

    Also, I don’t think you’ve been writing for invisible readers all these years. Someone was always going to arrive at the right time and read you exactly as you are now. Consider this your inconvenient proof.

    There’s something strangely comforting about the way you described disappointment showing up on time, like an overly punctual guest who never learned when to leave. But the part that stayed with me more was this: you kept writing anyway. Not when you felt ready, not when you felt confident. Just… anyway.

    That’s not postponing life. That is life.

    I am curious though. What’s something you almost posted once, but didn’t because it felt too honest to survive being seen?

    I have a feeling that version of you is still waiting to be introduced properly.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. pakgya25 February 2026 at 20:57

      Hey Friend
      Thank you for reading my blog!
      I almost posted daily vlogs here. 🤣
      There is nothing I would want to hide about my life. However, soon I learnt, there is enough useless data in the world.
      Yeah, the daily vlogger version of me keeps bubbling to show up but I realise climate change is real.

      Delete
    2. TheBrownKnight13 March 2026 at 07:41

      Those vlogs would've been fun.. Btw, love the "climate change reference" :D
      Looking forward to your next piece of literature.

      Delete

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