Whats the point?

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 If I prepare for a job I lose out on my startup dream again settling for a mediocre company, getting dragged in stupid politics. My priorities change to pleasing the people I report to, knowing they are in turn pleasing the founders, all in vain. 

If I go all in for startup, my  financial stability goes on a toss. I don't know if I will regret it in the future.

I don't even think that anyone would want to use anything I create. My ideas are mediocre, my work is mediocre, I have never achieved anything great anyway, why would this be any different.

I don't have great connections who believe in me, most people I know only tell me how to be better at people pleasing.

Even getting customers needs people pleasing. How do I escape this cycle.

Its not like I don't like people, I just don't like people who lie, I lie so I don't like myself, all people lie, so all people are not my people, but their are few fucked up ones, who cannot resist speaking the truth, I don't not like them. They might not like me, since I lie. So its mostly net 0 people on most days, unless I come across some less smart ones, who take time to learn, how doomed it is to be with a liar when you cannot lie.

Desires can be painful, to a point it feels simpler to die instead. 

My desire is to die, asap. 

You know whats funny? In 7th grade, I used to dream about having a blog, where I would get high traffic, cz I will be a great writer who posts on controversial topics, and I will integrate adsense in it and monetize it, later becoming billionaire and flee to LA or something, cz so many people were so affected by my thoughts. Lol.

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