In the depths of this heart, where people are mere souls and emotions my only treasure, wary words entered, swarmed into my thoughts, became a parasite and my pen their armor, they are diverse, eventually I found myself somewhere in them, so now I am in love with them.
Imperfect
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Love roots from a place of a rare imperfection.
Its the unexpected chaos that sinks into our consciousness.
When I was 5, I used to spend hours focusing at the window pane talking to myself, calling myself special, my mother used to tell me that mad people do that. I was always a notorious kid and knew no limits, not much has changed since childhood for I grew up thinking of this as my superpower. I was brought up in a middle class family by very ambitious parents. From childhood taking care of myself felt very foreign to me, and I always chose to challenge myself instead. Everything was going fine apart from the anxiety attacks, which became frequent during my teenage years. By then, I went through a series of inhumane events and I learnt that not everyone needs a reason to hurt someone. Day by day, I turned myself more and more into a recluse. I never had a lot of friends because I feared getting rejected by them for not being good enough. My mental disorder gained its gravity by my late teenage. I was always a sharp student, but having brought up in an environment of insane competition...
My dreams change every hour, my goals are faded, I have no desire strong enough. I don't feel myself. I need to reconnect to myself, who I really am. I used to be so sure about what I wanted, now its just a faint memory. I am scared of who I am becoming, as its no longer in my control. I am a puppet of what is shown to me, what I accidentally clicked and what I couldn't resist. I was stronger than this. My will power, oh my will power, please don't leave me like this. I know I know I know there is no direction thats why you left. I know. I guess currently my direction should be to resist, dear will power. I know there are 500 ways to do everything, and million possibilities. I guess I should focus on doing nothing. Please don't leave me dear.
"It's comfortable talking about money with you," he said. "Usually I avoid it." The first time I thought about money, I was lying on a train berth with my family. I stared at the ceiling, counting things I'd need money for, planning my life at 6. My parents moved houses often. I didn't like packing and unpacking. Landlords hated when I drew on walls. Maybe having my own room to scribble freely—that would be enough. Dad bought an iPod once. I downloaded all my favourite songs in it but it stopped working soon. Someday I have to buy a music player. I need a camera too. Something portable, ready whenever I see something beautiful. And chocolates. Probably about a hundred. Yeah, that feels about right.
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