Nobody's shit

 I first noticed her when I was probably 10 or younger. There are many lizards near the garage. Their complexion was same as mine. They never blinked, kept staring, focused af, idk what interests them so much that they just don't blink. One time I saw her tail, moving, it felt so powerful, a body part that I no longer have, but can move by itself. I get scared by them, even though they are so little. House lizards are not even poisonous, still their unblinking eyes, pale skin, silence, powerful tail, long tongue, gravity defying body, can give jitters to most. There was this one time the lizard went inside my ac, when I switched it on, it got cold. It jumped outside, and I learnt, they are also dumb. Now they dont scare me.

I thought once I quit my job I could be happy. Noone to force me to work faster, harder, no unnecessary calls, no disturbance from what I want to do. What a joke. I have been feeling depressed from a week.  I just wanna disappear in the walls of my house. Is this what I really wanted? If yes, I am doomed, I can never be happy as long as I am alive. Everything feels scary.  I am literally trying every way possible to avoid people. I feel so sick by how disappointing being jobless has become. I don't even wanna think about the future. I have eaten more toffees than I ever have in this life. Noone forces me to do anything, noone calls me for work, noone bothers me, why am I not unbothered. Why am I not happy! When I had the job I thought I was better than everyone. I felt agonised by people's inability to see it. I felt as if noone sees my vision. Now I feel noone should ever hire me. I have lost faith in my own vision. So easily! yuck.

 If I prepare for a job I lose out on my startup dream again settling for a mediocre company, getting dragged in stupid politics. My priorities change to pleasing the people I report to, knowing they are in turn pleasing the founders, all in vain.  If I go all in for startup, my  financial stability goes on a toss. I don't know if I will regret it in the future. I don't even think that anyone would want to use anything I create. My ideas are mediocre, my work is mediocre, I have never achieved anything great anyway, why would this be any different. I don't have great connections who believe in me, most people I know only tell me how to be better at people pleasing. Even getting customers needs people pleasing. How do I escape this cycle. Its not like I don't like people, I just don't like people who lie, I lie so I don't like myself, all people lie, so all people are not my people, but their are few fucked up ones, who cannot resist speaking the truth, I don...

"It's comfortable talking about money with you," he said. "Usually I avoid it." The first time I thought about money, I was lying on a train berth with my family. I stared at the ceiling, counting things I'd need money for, planning my life at 6. My parents moved houses often. I didn't like packing and unpacking. Landlords hated when I drew on walls. Maybe having my own room to scribble freely—that would be enough. Dad bought an iPod once. I downloaded all my favourite songs in it but it stopped working soon. Someday I have to buy a music player. I need a camera too. Something portable, ready whenever I see something beautiful. And chocolates. Probably about a hundred. Yeah, that feels about right.