My Deafening Silence

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 Leaving everything behind, in the hope of a better tomorrow, oh what a wonderful feeling! Most of my life I have felt stuck, claustrophobic, as if everything I have ever owned was eating a part of me. The sky was all that stood out, everything else was a form of prison to me. The sky remains, day or night, round the clock, everywhere, nobody can touch it, yet when you lie down and stare at it oblivious of your surroundings, you feel close to it. 

  In an attempt to get closer to the sky, I deleted every picture/chat on my phone and on cloud. Quite a metaphor, lol.

So, yeah, I deleted everything. This is the first chapter of my journey without my data. I had high hopes while deleting but weirdly this was not as easy as I anticipated. On multiple occasions I had to fight the urge to somehow restart my Instagram handle. 

When you are in a noisy place, all that you want is to run to some peaceful place where you can listen to your own voice. That desire makes so much sense, but reality hits you when you reach a peaceful place and try thinking but the process never ends and your head start running in circles finding patterns in patterns and all of a sudden you feel exhausted by the noise inside your own head. Now you are left with only your own thoughts, nobody can help you decipher it. 

How to master a language you never read before?

A silence so loud that it makes you want to cut off your own ear. 

Sometimes I feel that the thoughts inside my head are like race horses and I am always bidding on the wrong one. The horse that runs fast is lazy and the horse that does not want to run ends up winning every race. 

The burden of being a better person, was already too much, now I don't even have a reference. Till now this has been inconvenient and triggering, hopefully I get better at dealing with this darkness in future.

My thoughts are scattered. The night is ending. Another day will start soon.

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