ALIVE

-

The wind never felt colder, surprisingly, I realized the sweat made me wet in those Reebok shoes. Perhaps I was numb or it was the surge of a violent turmoil that I could not possibly apprehend. It seems bizarre when just a couple of months transform you from a decrepit soul to an effulgent lady.
"Hello! My name is Shaliya a divorced foster mother of two girls and I am currently the president of the NGO Womanhood and a theatre artist at Laila Hall, Pondicherry. 
Rolling into the fading memories, I can regain a stream of jumbled episodes that build a story.
I savoured every morsel of the rotten vegetable curry with the resilient chapatis until I perceived the stares of astonished passersby and sympathetic temple assistants.
It was friday night, 8 pm, our incessant agitations pervaded me with constant tremors, he croaked about my wretchedness, then suddenly seized me tightly in his hands. I was broken eventually, piece by piece. 
Saturday morning, he asked for a divorce, a flash of pictures from our marriage to our passionate kisses covered my thoughts. Gradually these thoughts were replaced by pictures of our fights, how he failed to understand, that, I am not selfish enough to stay with him, that, I am running out of time.
My heart was throbbing, my knuckles were bleeding,  painful rashes peeked out of my torn clothes, but, the screaming echoes in my mind augmented my spirits. I kept on running, from his mercy, his protection, his smell, his warmth, his care. 
So there I was completely lost, but I found myself then.
The temple bells woke me up, I slowly grasped my location and as I turned, I found myself in front of a temple. I felt a shudder from my feet. A veiled woman ran towards me as she applied drapes on my wounds warily.
After I was full by midday, I gently made my way from the temple to nowhere or anywhere or everywhere in my words.
Meanwhile, I received aid from this NGO Womanhood, I adopted two beautiful ladies and revived acting in theaters. 
Ladies, we have got a terrible roar inside us, that which we are holding too tightly, these warnings are not required. The veiled woman turned out to be my mother, she abandoned me, because she knew I deserved a life, a life with hardships, struggles, mistakes, happiness, love, unguarded by anyone. 
I felt alive just when everyone who loved me abandoned me."

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

My journey with a mental health disorder

-
When I was 5, I used to spend hours focusing at the window pane talking to myself, calling myself special, my mother used to tell me that mad people do that. I was always a notorious kid and knew no limits, not much has changed since childhood for I grew up thinking of this as my superpower. I was brought up in a middle class family by very ambitious parents. From childhood taking care of myself felt very foreign to me, and I always chose to challenge myself instead. Everything was going fine apart from the anxiety attacks, which became frequent during my teenage years. By then, I went through a series of inhumane events and I learnt that not everyone needs a reason to hurt someone. Day by day, I turned myself more and more into a recluse. I never had a lot of friends because I feared getting rejected by them for not being good enough. My mental disorder gained its gravity by my late teenage. I was always a sharp student, but having brought up in an environment of insane competition...
Read more

I Feel Influenced

-
My dreams change every hour, my goals are faded, I have no desire strong enough. I don't feel myself. I need to reconnect to myself, who I really am. I used to be so sure about what I wanted, now its just a faint memory. I am scared of who I am becoming, as its no longer in my control. I am a puppet of what is shown to me, what I accidentally clicked and what I couldn't resist. I was stronger than this. My will power, oh my will power, please don't leave me like this. I know I know I know there is no direction thats why you left. I know. I guess currently my direction should be to resist, dear will power. I know there are 500 ways to do everything, and million possibilities. I guess I should focus on doing nothing. Please don't leave me dear.
Read more

Letter to older me

-
 Dear older me, I hope you still notice the colours in the sky, the chirping of the birds, the beauty that surrounds you. I hope you remember that all that you see becomes a part of you, and that makes you equally beautiful too. I hope you remember to be brave.  I hope you never forget to write. I hope you remember to forgive yourself, you were not born to be perfect. Your life is more than a race, it's a story.  I hope you remember to smile in the face of fear. You have no idea the power it will give you. :) I hope you make someone happier, you learn to be kinder. I hope you are kind to yourself too.  I hope you are able to love someone without any expectations. It's much easier than it sounds. Dear older me, I love you. I am much younger, maybe dumb too. I struggle too much then give up too soon. I always feel alone but only thing that keeps me going is that somewhere in future, you are counting on me. You are a good person, always have been. You don't need someone...
Read more