Nobody's shit

I thought once I quit my job I could be happy. Noone to force me to work faster, harder, no unnecessary calls, no disturbance from what I want to do. What a joke. I have been feeling depressed from a week.  I just wanna disappear in the walls of my house. Is this what I really wanted? If yes, I am doomed, I can never be happy as long as I am alive. Everything feels scary.  I am literally trying every way possible to avoid people. I feel so sick by how disappointing being jobless has become. I don't even wanna think about the future. I have eaten more toffees than I ever have in this life. Noone forces me to do anything, noone calls me for work, noone bothers me, why am I not unbothered. Why am I not happy! When I had the job I thought I was better than everyone. I felt agonised by people's inability to see it. I felt as if noone sees my vision. Now I feel noone should ever hire me. I have lost faith in my own vision. So easily! yuck.

 If I prepare for a job I lose out on my startup dream again settling for a mediocre company, getting dragged in stupid politics. My priorities change to pleasing the people I report to, knowing they are in turn pleasing the founders, all in vain.  If I go all in for startup, my  financial stability goes on a toss. I don't know if I will regret it in the future. I don't even think that anyone would want to use anything I create. My ideas are mediocre, my work is mediocre, I have never achieved anything great anyway, why would this be any different. I don't have great connections who believe in me, most people I know only tell me how to be better at people pleasing. Even getting customers needs people pleasing. How do I escape this cycle. Its not like I don't like people, I just don't like people who lie, I lie so I don't like myself, all people lie, so all people are not my people, but their are few fucked up ones, who cannot resist speaking the truth, I don...

"It's comfortable talking about money with you," he said. "Usually I avoid it." The first time I thought about money, I was lying on a train berth with my family. I stared at the ceiling, counting things I'd need money for, planning my life at 6. My parents moved houses often. I didn't like packing and unpacking. Landlords hated when I drew on walls. Maybe having my own room to scribble freely—that would be enough. Dad bought an iPod once. I downloaded all my favourite songs in it but it stopped working soon. Someday I have to buy a music player. I need a camera too. Something portable, ready whenever I see something beautiful. And chocolates. Probably about a hundred. Yeah, that feels about right.

My dreams change every hour, my goals are faded, I have no desire strong enough. I don't feel myself. I need to reconnect to myself, who I really am. I used to be so sure about what I wanted, now its just a faint memory. I am scared of who I am becoming, as its no longer in my control. I am a puppet of what is shown to me, what I accidentally clicked and what I couldn't resist. I was stronger than this. My will power, oh my will power, please don't leave me like this. I know I know I know there is no direction thats why you left. I know. I guess currently my direction should be to resist, dear will power. I know there are 500 ways to do everything, and million possibilities. I guess I should focus on doing nothing. Please don't leave me dear.

It sucks how easy it is to lose people for whom you would do literally anything but not those who mean nothing to you. Why do people always take for granted the very people who would actually give a fuck? Why do they always chose to seek validation from random strangers instead who care about nothing but surface level stuff? Its so easy to ruin something they worked so hard for just for the momentary appreciation from people who know nothing about them or their work. The most special friendships, relationships are burnt to ashes overnight for petty reasons. It may seem in the beginning that it wasn't worth it but with time only thing I have learnt is, sometimes, it is worth it to save the friendship/relationship. Some horses in life deserve the extra care for they are designed for longer races.   Irony of life by u/pakgya in sadgirl